Well today was the last day of school before christmas break. The only reason I went today was because I've always enjoyed the last day of school before christmas break. But it was like any other day. My friends looked at me as a joke, they made fun of me, and some apologized to me, as if they would do anything to get me out of this state I'm. No one cares about my misery and honestly why should they? If I'm not going to do anything about it then why should they... Today was supposed to be a happy day for me. Last year I had everything in the world to lose. This year I have just about everything or everyone to lose. But for some reason this one remainder is causing me so much pain that I can't even focus on life itself. Around a year ago I made a few promises to some people and because of it this chain of promises will not be broken.

Oooowwwwww, mmmmmm my heeeaaaaad... I got elbowed in the head while volunteering to make someone better at self defense lol. So what if they didn't need help, what doesn't kill them makes them stronger :) and yet I'm the one that ended up hurt lol. Other than that, I've absolutely nothing interesting going on in my life haha. If I did my page wouldn't look so bleh. Wow I'm boring myself typing this lol and I can't even focus on it I'm having like wicked bad ADD here. Well before I start seeing sounds I'm gonna go take some ibuprofen and question why I just wrote this pointless post night!

It's been about two months... I apologize for my idleness. I guess it was because most of my life was just repeating itself in a cycle so there wasn't much reason for me to post anything. But now since my football season is almost over, I'm thinking more about what my next move is. After two years without playing hockey I decided that I haven't given up just yet. I have one year to train and get to where I need to be to tryout with confidence next year (senior year). Other than that, tomorrow in taekwondo I'm testing to get my blue belt. It surprises me because I started less than a year ago and have already advanced 4 belts. I'm not good at most things so I guess I'm not used to it. I'm going to try to get pictures of the test up sometime soon if I get any at all. But it is late so I'm going to stop typing now. I'll attempt to post more...

I'm so sick of trying to achieve happiness and my progress being thrown right in my face. I could tell you right now that I'm going to quit trying but that would be a lie. I should've stopped months but I guess I just don't know when to stop. Well I guess I'm stuck here until I die, no hope no will. Maybe false hope to break my heart later but as long as I'm happy for that short period of time. It's been proven to me by my peers that I can't do just about anything right. If I had it my way I would've left this place weeks ago. There is nothing in this world for me. Atleast I don't think there is. Oh well in the end I guess I'm the bad guy and forever after that. :'(

Well today I met up with some friends I haven't hung out with in a month or so. Didn't last long but I wasn't feeling well so it was best that I went home. Later on I had lifting tests and I had quite a turn out with my progression. My coach is proud which is a good feeling. I can't wait until school starts there are some friends that I miss so much. I hate how there are just some friends that I don't keep in touch with over the summer... Oh well I'll see them soon I hope. And boy do I hope.

Both my brother and I now have our purple belts in taekwondo. Though I only broke one board with a spinning back kick but it just goes to show I'm as good as I should be no better no worse. Thats not really what has been on my mind lately though. I've become fearful of my next few decisions brought on by the recent dreams and thoughts I've been having. At this point I have no regret of my past decisions because those decisions made me realize alot about myself. But now since I don't have anymore regret I don't know what to do next. I fear what I do next will just bring more. But other than that I couldn't ask for a better summer. And I'm glad my friends will always be there for me.

Got my license!!!!!

Finally after nearly 7 months I have my drivers license this morning. I was so nervous about the test because I'm pretty much the worst at parallel parking. But everything else went pretty good. I took my brother to get breakfast, and then I had to get a filling at the dentist. My mouth is so numb right now. It took 2 shots of novacaine (or however you spell it) to numb my lips. I don't have a lisp though which is a plus. Plus my pistol that I ordered came in today which made me even more happy. It's really heavy. I'll post a video of it soon. But now I must meet a friend to go for a drive. :D

Pretty good past few days. I finished my 5 hour course which actually took about nine and a half hours but it went by quickly. I got my smartphone back which has made texting and social networking so much easier. Plus tomorrow I'm spending the day in Lake George and on top of that, my dad is letting me drive there. Wide roads and high speeds lol. I tried running today on my ankle and it felt so good to run again, until the end. It started hurting again but I'm not worried. It'll heal in no time. Can't wait until I see "The Amazing Spiderman". It looks so good.                                           Unconditional by The Bravery

Oh boy, lol today was interesting. Last night I took the first half of my 5 hour course. It was a long 2 and a half hours let me tell you. After I went to my friend Ryan's house with my brother and stayed the night there. We just stayed up and watched funny movies all night and I fell asleep at around 3:30 and slept until 9:30. I waited until 1 to wake them up, and then we chilled for about an hour. After that, all three of us went outside to make an update video for our youtube account. It didn't go so well. No ideas come to mind for a video. Our old ideas were just stupid and childish lol. After our failed attempts at filming, I rolled my ankle twice in the same movement, and it hurt! No tears but I was on the ground for about 5 minutes. I can walk on it but it's swelling pretty bad so I don't think I should walk on it. I had to miss 7 on 7 because of it. I hope it doesn't last or else I'm screwed.

Today I watched the show "Wilfred" all day to recap on the last season. The season premiere is this thursday. At around 3 I went to a grad party, but unfortunately because of the rain there wasn't much to do. After that I went to taekwondo with my friend Cameron. He's learning very quickly and is testing next month. Sigh, it just doesn't feel the same anymore going there. It's weird, the person who got me into it hardly goes anymore. The class seems kinda dull to me now.

Summer Vacation 1

So far during this vacation I've watched two war movies. Coincidentally they are both about marines. "Jarhead" and "Brothers". "Jarhead" is based on desert storm in Kuwait. Very realistic plot. And now that I've watched these movies and have done some further studying, I'm left with two options. But I don't think I'll say what they are ;). I'm so tired, it's like I want to just keep sleeping (rolls eyes). Other than that I'm feeling pretty good so far. Yay optimism, I think. Well all is well that ends well.

Four down, one to go. I passed physics with an 81 on the regents exam, sooooo happy. Still going through my very confusing life. The depression has gone away, for now. Maybe it's just because of the upcoming vacation. I just wish people would have been as forgiving as I was. I went through so much over the years in the past, you'd think I could make one mistake that I could never afford to make again. It's official my life was meant to be full of regret. But how could I expect anyone to understand.

Today was fun, it was a Mario Cart tournament. It was so much fun. Soooo much soda! Some tension in the beginning but things got better as the day went on. I guess since it's the end of the year "I don't want to end on bad terms." So I feel it's better to lead someone on and break their heart in the future instead of considering how horrible the other person is going to feel in the end but oh well. Once again I'm responsible for everything that's happening to me as everyone is responsible for their own fate. No one will change my lifes out come but myself, and I will not be reasoned with.

Well today was the last day of school. What can I say it was...misleading, but I'm the reason for that so I guess I don't have the right to complain. I wish I had something to look forward to but I can't when I have 6 tests ahead of me and 3 of them being regents. But if I pass all of them, I get to have a nice summer. If I don't then thats the story of my life. I'm going to get a job and I'll have jump camp, weight training, 7 on 7 and taekwondo. Busy busy busy. I had better be jacked by the end of it all too or I will just quit it all. Because if that won't fix me, then nothing will.

Nothing has changed much since my last post...that's all.

I quit

Everything, I'm done, I can't take this anymore. I'm so stupid. I just don't even want to care anymore. I can't even cry which is like the worst feeling ever. I hardly have enough energy to pick myself up. Everything is a lie to me, but I guess I had it coming. It's pretty clear to me that there is no hope for me in this life nor any life. I don't know what to do anymore like seriously I'm having panic attacks because I'm so lost. I hate dreaming only because it isn't real. Every morning is the same. I wake up from a dream with my hopes high and then think "nevermind, I screwed up, life isn't good anymore" . I can't even imagine anymore because I know how unrealistic it is and hurts too much to think about it. I'm scared to go to sleep now because I know who awaits in my dreams and I know that she won't be the same way when I awaken.

So yesterday was the Van Dusen, which is a huge track meet held at OFA. This year I was picked to go thank god, I've been wanting to since I started track. In my mile once again I PR'd and got 5:31 and came 8th out 10. I was so happy especially when I saw that my aunt my grandma and my 4 cousins were there, I hardly get to see them. So my next event wasn't until the very end so we all sat cooked under the hot sun. I finally got some color, even if it is red my skin is no longer light. My last event was the 4x800 meter relay and my team came sixth out of seven. After that I ate lots of food drove home and I don't remember falling asleep.

It's been a while since I've been on, fun weekend ahead. Earlier this afternoon I had a track meet in Norwood. I finally PR'd after 3 months in my mile and got 5:36 for it. Still won't get a ribbon, I got last place... oh well I have about a month left to improve. Tonight I'm gonna watch "Thor" and then tomorrow I'm going to see "The Avengers". Right now I'm really sore so I hope my body let's me sleep in tomorrow, even though it never does. I hope I'm better by sunday ot taekwondo will suck. Well once again thats all for now.

I don't know what else I could possibly say. Um where do I begin... I'm sorry for just about everything. And I don't just mean now, I mean for pretty much the last year. I think I was a bad influence from the start. I guess thats where it all started. I'm sorry my temper and impatience got the best of me and turned me into a bad person. You may think I always was but thats your opinion. I'm sorry for everything that went on for that month or so. I'm sorry you found out about it the way you did. I'm my obsession was such a burden to you. I'm sorry for all of the emotional stress I may have and probably did cause for you. I'm sorry for all of the loss of trust between everyone. I'm sorry for every mean thought and every mean thing I said about you. I am not doing this to change your opinion about me, nor am I just telling you what you want to hear. I'm not an idiot, I've figured out by now that the only person that will change your opinion is you. I did this because it was something I needed to get off my chest. I would have done this in person but I'm pretty sure my face is that last thing you ever want to see. Finally, I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I used to have such high hopes for the future.

It was all suddenly clear. She acted the way she did not because she was evil but because she was only human. At that moment I realized how much credit needed to be given to her. For she is stronger than I could ever dream of being. And that I'm glad she feels the way she does because I'm no good for her. All this time I was thinking that what I did to her was nothing compared to all the pain she put me through when in reality, I hurt her beyond what I can interpret. Not everything is a lie and trust still exists.

About that last post, I was talking about a so called "friend" kept constantly asking what was bothering me, when there was nothing bothering me at all. It just gets old, because he also in the past called me obsessive and I need to quit being kicked around by him. Hypocrite...other than that my vacation is okay. I watched "The Godfather" on easter. I think I'll watch the second one later. My head is killing me, I think its the redbull, but that stuff is too good to give up. I wish the rain would stop. I need money!!! More on my life later until next time I'm exhausted.