I quit

Everything, I'm done, I can't take this anymore. I'm so stupid. I just don't even want to care anymore. I can't even cry which is like the worst feeling ever. I hardly have enough energy to pick myself up. Everything is a lie to me, but I guess I had it coming. It's pretty clear to me that there is no hope for me in this life nor any life. I don't know what to do anymore like seriously I'm having panic attacks because I'm so lost. I hate dreaming only because it isn't real. Every morning is the same. I wake up from a dream with my hopes high and then think "nevermind, I screwed up, life isn't good anymore" . I can't even imagine anymore because I know how unrealistic it is and hurts too much to think about it. I'm scared to go to sleep now because I know who awaits in my dreams and I know that she won't be the same way when I awaken.

So yesterday was the Van Dusen, which is a huge track meet held at OFA. This year I was picked to go thank god, I've been wanting to since I started track. In my mile once again I PR'd and got 5:31 and came 8th out 10. I was so happy especially when I saw that my aunt my grandma and my 4 cousins were there, I hardly get to see them. So my next event wasn't until the very end so we all sat cooked under the hot sun. I finally got some color, even if it is red my skin is no longer light. My last event was the 4x800 meter relay and my team came sixth out of seven. After that I ate lots of food drove home and I don't remember falling asleep.

It's been a while since I've been on, fun weekend ahead. Earlier this afternoon I had a track meet in Norwood. I finally PR'd after 3 months in my mile and got 5:36 for it. Still won't get a ribbon, I got last place... oh well I have about a month left to improve. Tonight I'm gonna watch "Thor" and then tomorrow I'm going to see "The Avengers". Right now I'm really sore so I hope my body let's me sleep in tomorrow, even though it never does. I hope I'm better by sunday ot taekwondo will suck. Well once again thats all for now.

I don't know what else I could possibly say. Um where do I begin... I'm sorry for just about everything. And I don't just mean now, I mean for pretty much the last year. I think I was a bad influence from the start. I guess thats where it all started. I'm sorry my temper and impatience got the best of me and turned me into a bad person. You may think I always was but thats your opinion. I'm sorry for everything that went on for that month or so. I'm sorry you found out about it the way you did. I'm my obsession was such a burden to you. I'm sorry for all of the emotional stress I may have and probably did cause for you. I'm sorry for all of the loss of trust between everyone. I'm sorry for every mean thought and every mean thing I said about you. I am not doing this to change your opinion about me, nor am I just telling you what you want to hear. I'm not an idiot, I've figured out by now that the only person that will change your opinion is you. I did this because it was something I needed to get off my chest. I would have done this in person but I'm pretty sure my face is that last thing you ever want to see. Finally, I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I used to have such high hopes for the future.